Dear Dillon, Brooke, and Ansley
I want to start by thanking you for dinner. I had so much fun. I don’t mind that Ansley was a “pill” it was great just to see her and the two of you. I will remember and cherish that night for the rest of my life. It was so good to see how Ansley acted towards the two of you. Seeing how happy she in person, not just in pictures, only shows me just how perfect she is for the two of you. It is confirmation of the decision I made to place her with you. I am also sending copies of the pictures, I don’t mind that we used my camera and don’t even think about paying me for them! It is the least I can do!
Sorry this letter took so long to get to you, I was visiting my family in California for 5 days and didn’t get a chance to write. But I did have fun! I got totally sunburned! I went boogie boarding and ate it so it bad, the wave just swallowed me and the water was only waist deep! But it was freezing cold! I had a great time visiting my family, it was hard to leave. Marshall is doing well; he had his operation and is now on bed rest for the next four weeks. I bought this outfit for Ansley there, my mom found it and it was too good a deal to pass up, plus it is darling! The shorts are even made from the real “board short” material that big kid shorts are made from.
I really appreciate the letter you sent me. What the two of you said means more to me than you will ever know.
I told you this before but I feel like I should say it again. When I found out I was pregnant (the second time) I was really disappointed in myself. I had not only let my family and friends down but I let down my Heavenly Father as well. The first thing that came to mind was placing, but then I remembered how hard it was to place Ansley. I quickly brushed that thought away. Then I decided I should keep my babies. I have had a real hard time making my decision. There is so much that I want for these two little girls I am carrying. I weighed the pros and cons of both sides. The pros for placing were about as long as the cons for keeping. Yet I still had questions. That is when I started to pray. For the longest time and I still didn’t know what to do. It was like Heavenly Father forgot about answering my prayers.
I didn’t get my answer until a couple of weeks later, at work none the less. Sandra called me and told me she had just gotten off the phone with your case worker. She told her that you three got my letter and wanted me to know that you still loved me. She went on to tell Sandra that you had been praying about it and had decided you wanted to put your papers in to be able to adopt again. When I heard that, it was like a slap in the face saying, wake up Candice, you have known all along what needs to be done!
I still had my reservations. I still had one more question that I had to have answered in order for me to finally make my decision. I prayed about this question as well. I didn’t know how this question could be answered without me actually asking it. Then again I was proved wrong and received another slap in the face. This time it wasn’t a phone call, it was in a letter.
Brooke, you didn’t directly say it but you meant it. Dillon, you said it and it couldn’t have hit me harder. I started crying as soon as I read it. You said, “if you decide to place the twins with us we would be overjoyed. They would make a great addition to our family, and we would love them in our home.” You also said, “let the worry and stress leave right now.” Well it took a few more sentences but it did leave. That was the answer to the last question I had, the only thing holding me back.
I said from the beginning (to myself) that if I place, I will only place with Brooke and Dillon. I want Ansley to have half siblings; I don’t want her to spend the rest of her life trying to find them. And I definitely didn’t want to choose another couple. No other couple could measure up to the two of you, and I would constantly compare everyone to you. That wasn’t fair to other couples. Plus I don’t think there is a family more deserving than your family. That is why I am asking you three to take these two precious little angels into your family and make them a part of it. Love them like you love Ansley and teach them all the things they need to know to advance in God’s kingdom. Teach them of me and my love for them. And don’t forget to spoil them rotten!
Love always,
Candice
P.S. The little gift is from my Grandma! It is a little late but very heartfelt.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANSLEY!
Dillon, Brooke, and Ansley, unwitting allies in Candice’s personal battle of mind and heart. The difficult decision made.
*****
Was the decision made? Was I making the right decision? Was I going to be able to go through with it? I still battled inside every day. Even after I made the decision. I still didn’t think I would be able to do it, yet somehow I knew it is what I needed to do. I was terrified I was going to back out at the last minute, and disappoint them. Devastate them. Break their hearts. But was my heart OK to break instead? Was it OK for me to be devastated instead of them? Was it fair for them to be so happy and me so broken and empty? Only time would tell.
Twice Blessed 