The turning point

Vacations with no connection to the world are fantastic! No cell phones, no internet, no TV. It was great. Coming back to work after a week away was not so great. Sorry for the long delay. Lets get back to the story.

*****

 

Derek and Brooke knew about this pregnancy. They also knew about my plans to keep this baby. Brooke was not very happy about that. She didn’t understand my reasoning. It was the complete opposite from my previous decisions. She emailed me one day asking what she should tell the girls. She couldn’t continue to tell them the reasons for placement before when I choose to keep this child. She felt she was lying to them. She felt I was lying to her.

This email made me very upset. I was angry with her. She didn’t have a right to this child, this wasn’t her child, it was mine. I was his mother. I was giving him life. I have every right to mother him. She doesn’t. She doesn’t understand what I go through during a placement, she didn’t know the heartbreak I felt. She only knew the joy she felt at getting a child.

As you can tell I was angry. But then again, I was angry at everyone.

Throughout this entire pregnancy I was meeting regularly with Sundee. I was talking with her, and getting council from her. She always supported my decisions. She was on my side when no one else was. I trusted her for that. I valued her opinion above all else. She was my advocate.

One evening at work (why does this crap always come up at work) I was talking to her, and she let me in on her true feelings. Sadly they weren’t what I thought they were. She knew I was making the wrong decision. She knew I knew better. She was disappointed in me. She was heartbroken for me. Our conversation went on for quite some time. Hearing what she told me, hearing her complete honesty was the hardest thing I have ever heard in my life. I trusted her, I thought she was on my side.

She was on my side, just in a different way. She was trying to show me the reasons I placed before. She wanted me to see how my life would be in the future. She didn’t want me to be in my little perfect unrealistic bubble. So she popped it.

After we finished our conversation I texted my Mom. I told her I was not keeping the baby. She texted me back and said she hoped I was at peace with the decision. I told her I wasn’t.

I wasn’t at peace. I was furious. I felt no one wanted this child but me. I hated everyone around me. I felt I was being pushed into something I didn’t want to nor could do. I felt I didn’t have a choice. I felt if I kept him no one would love him but me. I just wanted the support of my family. I wanted them to be excited for this grandson/nephew. But no one was. Realizing that was not an easy task. But it had to be done. It wasn’t they weren’t excited for the birth, they weren’t excited about the circumstances.

This conversation happened 2 weeks before I was due. I wasn’t ready to tell Brooke and Derek. I was still very much angry with them. I also wasn’t about to tell George. I didn’t want him to go and do something stupid.

I let Brook and Derek know of my plans less than a week before he was scheduled to be born. Of course they were over the moon excited. I was still angry with them, but wouldn’t place with anyone else. I loved them, and they were the parents to my other children. I wanted them to be together.

I was still struggling to gain weight. All the stress and my entire world imploding made it nearly impossible. I managed to gain a few pounds and was at a total weight gain of 20 lbs when I was admitted into the hospital to have the baby.

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