Obstacles

My lease was up at the apartment I was living in. I didn’t want to sign another lease because I would be having a baby. I was also pregnant and living in BYU approved housing. Meaning, there were high standards of conduct. I wasn’t exactly the example of high standards they were looking for.

I decided to move into my friends room. We were literally sharing a bed and I was living out of a suitcase. Most of my belongings were in storage. I basically had no place to live, but she was nice enough to offer her bed to me! I would on occasion stay at George’s mothers house with him too. I was bouncing from bed to bed. Not the best way for a pregnant girl to be living.

George and I decided to get an apartment together that we could have the baby in. Only problem we had to wait a month or two before it could happen. After overstaying my welcome at my dear friends home, I moved into George’s mothers. I was still living out of a suitcase with no real place to call home. I was recovered from my car accident and in a new car. So George had his chauffeur and ATM back. Even closer now.

One night we were going to one of his friends houses. I happened to be talking to my Dad and somehow it came out that I was pregnant (it has been 8 years, I can’t remember everything). My Dad was not the happiest about it. In fact, he hung up the phone when I wouldn’t let him talk to George. I was freaking out, hysterically bawling. The exact thing I was trying to avoid was happening. My parents wanted nothing to do with me. They never wanted to talk to me again (or so I thought). I called my Dad back. I ended up dropping George off at his friends and leaving. I sat in my car and talked to my parents for hours. It was not an easy conversation. I told them of my plans to keep the baby. I told them George and I were getting an apartment. I told them a few other things. They were very disappointed in me. I wouldn’t doubt ashamed. They reminded me of the girls and my reasons for placing them for adoption. I told them I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take going through something like that again. I told them how this was my only chance at a family, and I couldn’t let it go. No matter how delusional my bubble world I created in my head was. My mind was set. My parents had no chance of changing it.

What I thought to be the hardest obstacle was finally out of the way. Oh how naive I was.

 

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A great relationship

The decision was made. We were going to parent. We were going to try to work together. I was happy with that. I really liked George. Or maybe I liked the idea of a family. I liked the idea of finally having what I had always wanted, someone who loved me (at least I hoped he loved me).

We started spending time together again. I was spending more time at his mothers house. I was not only his chauffeur, I was his personal ATM and designated driver. George was spending a lot of time at bars. I wouldn’t go because I was pregnant. He would call me at all hours of the night falling over drunk for a ride home. I would get out of bed and go get him. Why pay for a cab when you have a free one sleeping at home? He would spend his entire paycheck on alcohol then when bills would come due, he wouldn’t have enough money. I would loan him extra money.

George finally got his drivers license back and purchased a car. The only problem is he couldn’t put the car in his name. Something about all the DUI’s he had gotten. I allowed my name to go on the title. About once a month, he would ask me to meet him at the local loan center to take a loan against the car with about 95% interest. I would not do it, since my name was on the car, I would ultimately be responsible (see, even with all the dumb stuff I did. There were a few smart things). So, I would loan him money instead.

When I was about 8 weeks pregnant I was driving to work one morning and a car decided to turn left in front of me. I hit the car then proceeded to head straight for the light pole. My car hit the pole with such force that I had a 2 foot indention (yes 2 foot) in the front of my car. My first thought was to call George. I did. He was too busy to come to me. So he said he would send his mother. I was taken by ambulance to the local hospital emergency room. I had ex-rays and tests done. I thank the Lord that aside from a horrific bruise on my hip from my seat belt hitting me and the center consul I was just banged up a bit (not even a burn from the airbags). My brother Marshall came to the hospital to be with me. I had called my mom and she called him (she lived 800 miles away). He was getting married the next week so parents decided to come down for the wedding a few days earlier to help me and make sure I was OK.

At the hospital Marshall found out I was pregnant. I asked him to not say anything. He insisted that I tell my parents. I told him I would not do it prior to his wedding and ruin that for them. They needed to enjoy that time, and I was not going to change that. He agreed to not say anything.

George’s personal driver had just totaled her car and he wasn’t there. The woman that was pregnant with his child was just in a horrific car accident and he wouldn’t leave work to be by her side. I didn’t know if this accident would hurt the growing baby inside me or not and George wasn’t worried enough to come to my side. See where I am going with this?

This was a great relationship.

Divine Intervention

The day had arrived. I was starting to feel a sense of relief. Relief that this would soon be over. Relief that I would be able to go back to how things used to be. I wasn’t allowing myself to think about the negative implications. I didn’t want to face that aspect of my situation. I always said I would never get an abortion. Apparently never say never is a real thing. I was put into a situation (by my own doing) that I saw no other way out of. No other alternative. I had no choice.

I had to attend a class prior to the abortion. I took the day off work. The appointment was mid afternoon. Nicole was my driver for the day. We left for the appointment about 2 hours early. I didn’t want to be late. I am habitually punctual. The appointment was in downtown Salt Lake City. I was in American Fork. For those that don’t know, it was about a 20-25 minute drive.

We were on our way. Trying to keep things light, but knowing all too well what was about to happen…TRAFFIC

Yes, traffic happened. We got on the freeway and made it about 6 miles in 1.5 hours. I called the clinic to ask what would happen if I was late. I would have to reschedule. We trudged on, hoping it would clear up.  By the time we reached the Bangerter Highway exit (about another 1-2 miles up) I had 15 minutes until my scheduled appointment. We decided to get off the freeway. We sat at the gas station and tried to figure out what to do.

I called George and told him I was going to miss the appointment. The next words that came out of my mouth surprised even me. I told him I wasn’t sure I could go through with an abortion. He agreed. We talked a little more, and decided abortion was not the way to go. We would parent.

Nicole and I decided to turn back, but not before trying to figure out what could cause so much traffic. There was not a single car accident on the freeway, nor was there any construction. There was only one thing that could cause that much traffic, I wasn’t supposed to make it to that class. Divine Intervention stopped that abortion. Divine Intervention caused bumper to bumper stopped traffic on I-15 that day.

*****

I am not pro-abortion, nor am I anti-abortion. I feel every woman can decide herself and live with that decision. It is not my place to judge. I also feel the government should not be able to force people to pay for it through taxes or medical coverage. If someone wants to get an abortion, it should be their responsibility to pay for it. I do think abortion is killing a living person, no matter the stage of development. Do I get sad every time I hear about someone having one, yes, but I can’t decide if it is worse than hearing about girls having babies and leaving them in dumpsters to die, or worse yet, let them die, either by force or neglect.

I feel for the girls that feel they have no other way out. The girls that feel it is their only choice, or they are being forced into it. I couldn’t say that without this experience and the experiences I have faced in my life. I never thought I would get as close as I did to actually having one. I don’t think I would have been able to live with myself if I did get one either. Hindsight I am very glad I didn’t get one.

The signs

Why is it that when you are in an unhealthy relationship everyone can see it but you. You defend the relationship with all you have. “he was just angry”, “he didn’t mean it”, “I deserved it”, “he isn’t really that bad”, “he can be nice”, and the countless other excuses.

My relationship (if you can even call it that) with George was short. We hung out a few times. Went on dates, that I typically paid for and drove to because he was short on cash and had his drivers license suspended (Dang DUI’s). We hung out at his mother’s house where he lived, because he had just gotten out of jail and couldn’t get a job or an apartment. You know all the normal stuff we women tend to do in bad relationships. It seemed to be a give and take “relationship”. I gave and he took.

One night we were at his mother’s home and he got mad at me for something completely stupid. I can’t remember what the subject matter was only that he was mad because I didn’t have an opinion on it. I was indifferent. He stormed off and slept on the couch, that should have been my queue to leave. Even with all the counseling I had received and all the red flags I refused to see, I stayed. The next morning he didn’t say 2 words to me. I took him to work, which was my normal routine, then went home, got ready and went to work.

I was upset. I was afraid he was done with me. I was afraid I had done something to drive him away. I figured he had gotten sick of me and wanted nothing more to do with me. I swore to myself I wouldn’t call him. If he really cared about me, he would call.

He didn’t call…

A couple weeks later I arrived to work early. I decided to stop at Target and get a pregnancy test and take it before work (it seemed like a long time since my last period, I was curious how long it had been. Great way to tell, get a pregnancy test). In hindsight that was a terrible idea. I took it, and wouldn’t you know, two pink lines. I was hysterical. I told my boss, I had to go. He didn’t argue, I couldn’t control my breathing let alone my tears.

I called my friend and roommate, Nicole. Told her what happened, and went to her work. Together we researched abortion clinics, costs and everything else associated with the appointment. There was no way in Hell I could go through another adoption. I wasn’t about to tell my parents. I just wanted this whole thing to go away.

After a few phone calls the appointment was set. We had secured 1/2 of the cost from a friend. Now I needed to tell George. I called him. He didn’t answer. When he called me back and I told him I was pregnant. I also told him my plan. He said it was a good idea and would pay the other 1/2. He didn’t want to deal with a pregnancy just as much as I didn’t want to deal with one.

That was that. I was going to erase my mistake and never really face the consequences for my actions.

The beginning of the end

This marks the end of the book my Dad wrote. This, however, is not the end of my story. I must now finish my story. I want to share the rest of my story, and my journey to where I am today (even if no one reads it, I am benefiting from doing this). There have been many mountains I have had to climb, some I am still climbing. But I am not the same person I used to be. While I still struggle with my self-worth and purpose, I know (at least I am trying to know) that I am where I am for a reason.

I can’t keep up posting as frequently as I currently do, and still put the heart into my posts that I would like (I do have a full time job you know). It was a lot easier copying and pasting a book, and only writing a small amount at the end. These entire posts will be mine. They will be hard, and they will bring back a lot of emotion I have tried to keep in the past.

I really hope you will stick around. Things are just getting started. And I will apologize in advance if I offend anyone with my posts, or hurt any feelings. I need to keep it real, and there have been some hard things I have endured that I intend to post about.

Stay tuned!