I am back. Had a fantastic family vacation, then a bit of work stuff to take care of.

On to the good stuff…dating.

I decided it was time I could look at dating again. I went to church and lo and behold, I meet this guy, Charles. He seemed like a great guy. Actually he was. Good LDS guy. We quickly started to get serious. I really liked him. He was divorced. His wife had an affair and got pregnant by the other man. Come to find out Charles didn’t know the child was not his until 2 years into the child’s life. I felt for him. It was a terrible thing to have to go through. He got a divorce, and hadn’t seen the baby since the divorce. He wasn’t able to unless he paid child support. You see, in UT, if you are legally married, the child is legally yours, even if biologically it isn’t. He didn’t trust that his ex would use the money to take care of the child, so wouldn’t pay it. It was a really sad situation.

I hadn’t told him about my past. I was afraid to. I was ashamed to. I liked what we had, and didn’t want to lose him. After a couple months. I decided I needed to suck it up and tell him. If I wanted this relationship to go anywhere he would have to find out sooner or later. So, one evening, I opened up to him and told him about all 3 pregnancies. He seemed understanding. He seemed to accept it. He told me he was OK with it. Only later did I realize that he really wasn’t.

Things got a little weird after that. He seemed distant. Not in a bad way, but in a way he hadn’t been before. I was nervous. I tried to brush it off. I had a trip coming up for a friends wedding, and I figured getting away for a couple days would be good for us.

I wasn’t even sure we wanted the same things. He wanted a temple wedding, I wasn’t sure I did. I was having a hard time jumping full into church, so I was still on the fence about things. I was still partying a little, not a lot, but some. That would have to change if we ever wanted things to go anywhere.

On the night before the wedding I was out with a couple old friends. I ran into a guy I had had a crush in high school. I had to stop him and confess my high school crush to him. Apparently he was interested. He stopped and we started talking. Funny thing, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember his name. One of those things where you know it, but draw a blank. I felt like a total jerk. We started talking, and spent the rest of the evening talking and reconnecting. I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship, to get married, or to do the long distance thing. I also decided that I wasn’t going to risk anything, and told him about my past right up front. (Subconsciously I must have wanted something, otherwise why would I have told him about my past). His only response “That is why we have the power of forgiveness”. I must have known then, again subconsciously.

We spent the entire weekend together. Even going to the wedding together. My parents came up for the wedding. They weren’t thrilled about my choice of date. They still loved Charles back home and wanted me to marry him.

I went with him (Rich) to his parents house one morning for breakfast. He introduced me to his mother and told her I was the girl he was going to marry. Her response was “Yeah Right”. Literally, it was actually kind of funny. When I left to go back home, he told me he was going to come visit me in 2 weeks. I said “Yeah Right”.

When I got back home Charles and I had the talk. I told him it wasn’t working. Things had not gotten better, in fact they had gotten worse. He was even more distant and didn’t even believe me when I told him I was going to work. He had serious trust issues. We broke up.

My mom was angry. She thought I broke up because of Rich. Maybe I did a little, but it was also because deep down I knew he wasn’t OK with my past. Once I explained that to her, she seemed OK with it, though she still wasn’t thrilled about Rich.

Later on Charles and I were emailing back and forth, and he admitted he was having a hard time with my past. He couldn’t understand how someone would not step up and be a father. He was holding that against me. There was nothing I could do to force someone to be a father. But, I also told him, he kind of did the same thing. He refused to pay his ex child support and therefore could no longer see his 2 year old son. We all have done things we regret, but it is how we learn from them that matters. That was really the end of that. From what I hear he is remarried with 2 or 3 children now. I am genuinely happy for him.

So 2 weeks later came, and Rich came to visit. Turned out to be a fantastic weekend. When it ended and he left, I was up stairs crying. We had been talking daily since I met him. That was all we had. We couldn’t see each other whenever we wanted, so we did that. We knew basically everything about each other.

My Dad says that he knew when Rich left that weekend that we would get married. Though he never told me that.

10 months later we did get married.



I am really getting bad at posting. This new job is making it more difficult. Well, better get caught up!

So back to the story.

I signed my relinquishment papers at the hospital just before getting release. I didn’t tell George. When we went home, I told him I was leaving and my mom was taking me home. I needed more time with my baby. So I actually got a hotel room to have some one on one time with him. My mom dropped me off, and got me all settled. I was alone with my baby. I savored every second of it. No one to share him with, just me and him. I took pictures, and just snuggled him.

George wanted me to go see him and bring the baby. He didn’t understand that I had just had major surgery, and wasn’t about to drive out to see him. He was angry. His mother was angry, they started calling me incessantly. I left him a VM and told him about the placement and that I intended to do it that weekend.

At the advise of my counselor I turned my phone off. People that needed to get in touch with me knew where I was. I didn’t want him ruining my last few moments with my baby. I am sure people will be angry with me for not letting him have more time, but I had to do it that way. He was very volatile, and I never knew what he was going to do. I didn’t want to risk anything, my baby’s safety included.

Come Sat afternoon, I was a little lonely by myself and it seemed to be making things harder. Placement wasn’t until Sunday, so I called my Mom and she came and got me. We spend Saturday afternoon at home loving on my baby for the last time.

Sunday came. We went to placement. This placement was completely different than all the others. I had been through enough. I was still angry, and still didn’t want to go through with it. Deep down I knew I needed to do it, but that didn’t make it any easier.

I remember the actual placement. I placed him and then got a hug and had to leave. I didn’t linger. I left and lost it. I was in pieces. I felt like the remainder of my heart had just been ripped out.

I was bitter, I was angry, and I was hurt. I had lost my only chance at being a mother.

I remember driving down the road a few days later, and just staring out the window hating everyone around me. I didn’t want comfort from any of my family, friends, anyone. I wanted the darkness I felt inside to go away. I was in a very, very bad place. my heart was black. I can vividly remember the anger I felt. The darkness inside me was real. There was no love.

It took me a long time to get over that. I decided to get back to the gym. I started working out. That really seemed to help. I lost all the baby weight and then some. But I also wasn’t really eating much. I was borderline anorexic.

I slowly tried to get back out there. Be with friends, and maybe even start trying to date.

All the while, George was trying to pull all the cards he had, not knowing that I held more than he did. He told me he wanted all the baby stuff I had back. I told him I would be happy to give it back to him, but I wanted all the house stuff or payment for keeping the house stuff. It seemed to shut him up really quickly.

Remember I was still on title for his car. I decided to not be a jerk, I sent him a bill of sale, and the title signed over to him, then cancelled registration on it. Didn’t want it in my name. I was also the one that had gotten the satellite TV. So, I called them up and suspended the account to shut it off. Poor guy didn’t have TV anymore.

He called me one day telling me he needed my address so his attorney could serve me papers for illegally placing my baby. I kind of freaked out. I started to give it to him. My mom stopped me, and told me to call my councilor. I called her, she told me to under no circumstances give it to him. If his attorney couldn’t find me, then he could call me and get it. So I called him back and told him that. He wasn’t happy. I think he was just going to try to come to the house and harass me. See he had no idea where my parents lived, and they weren’t listed in the phone book. That was one of the best things that could happen to me. He couldn’t find me. All he knew was that I lived up north.

About 3 months after placement, his mother texted me and asked for pictures. I told her I would put a CD together and send it to her. The next day my councilor called me saying that someone had called the company attorney and said that a baby was illegally placed for adoption and gave the date of my adoption. They knew exactly who it was. It was George’s mother. I decided to send her a picture, as well as a letter telling her and George that I would no longer be contacting then, and I expected the same in return.

I am happy to announce that almost 9 years later, and I still haven’t heard a word from them!

Next up….Dating….