I am back. Had a fantastic family vacation, then a bit of work stuff to take care of.

On to the good stuff…dating.

I decided it was time I could look at dating again. I went to church and lo and behold, I meet this guy, Charles. He seemed like a great guy. Actually he was. Good LDS guy. We quickly started to get serious. I really liked him. He was divorced. His wife had an affair and got pregnant by the other man. Come to find out Charles didn’t know the child was not his until 2 years into the child’s life. I felt for him. It was a terrible thing to have to go through. He got a divorce, and hadn’t seen the baby since the divorce. He wasn’t able to unless he paid child support. You see, in UT, if you are legally married, the child is legally yours, even if biologically it isn’t. He didn’t trust that his ex would use the money to take care of the child, so wouldn’t pay it. It was a really sad situation.

I hadn’t told him about my past. I was afraid to. I was ashamed to. I liked what we had, and didn’t want to lose him. After a couple months. I decided I needed to suck it up and tell him. If I wanted this relationship to go anywhere he would have to find out sooner or later. So, one evening, I opened up to him and told him about all 3 pregnancies. He seemed understanding. He seemed to accept it. He told me he was OK with it. Only later did I realize that he really wasn’t.

Things got a little weird after that. He seemed distant. Not in a bad way, but in a way he hadn’t been before. I was nervous. I tried to brush it off. I had a trip coming up for a friends wedding, and I figured getting away for a couple days would be good for us.

I wasn’t even sure we wanted the same things. He wanted a temple wedding, I wasn’t sure I did. I was having a hard time jumping full into church, so I was still on the fence about things. I was still partying a little, not a lot, but some. That would have to change if we ever wanted things to go anywhere.

On the night before the wedding I was out with a couple old friends. I ran into a guy I had had a crush in high school. I had to stop him and confess my high school crush to him. Apparently he was interested. He stopped and we started talking. Funny thing, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember his name. One of those things where you know it, but draw a blank. I felt like a total jerk. We started talking, and spent the rest of the evening talking and reconnecting. I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship, to get married, or to do the long distance thing. I also decided that I wasn’t going to risk anything, and told him about my past right up front. (Subconsciously I must have wanted something, otherwise why would I have told him about my past). His only response “That is why we have the power of forgiveness”. I must have known then, again subconsciously.

We spent the entire weekend together. Even going to the wedding together. My parents came up for the wedding. They weren’t thrilled about my choice of date. They still loved Charles back home and wanted me to marry him.

I went with him (Rich) to his parents house one morning for breakfast. He introduced me to his mother and told her I was the girl he was going to marry. Her response was “Yeah Right”. Literally, it was actually kind of funny. When I left to go back home, he told me he was going to come visit me in 2 weeks. I said “Yeah Right”.

When I got back home Charles and I had the talk. I told him it wasn’t working. Things had not gotten better, in fact they had gotten worse. He was even more distant and didn’t even believe me when I told him I was going to work. He had serious trust issues. We broke up.

My mom was angry. She thought I broke up because of Rich. Maybe I did a little, but it was also because deep down I knew he wasn’t OK with my past. Once I explained that to her, she seemed OK with it, though she still wasn’t thrilled about Rich.

Later on Charles and I were emailing back and forth, and he admitted he was having a hard time with my past. He couldn’t understand how someone would not step up and be a father. He was holding that against me. There was nothing I could do to force someone to be a father. But, I also told him, he kind of did the same thing. He refused to pay his ex child support and therefore could no longer see his 2 year old son. We all have done things we regret, but it is how we learn from them that matters. That was really the end of that. From what I hear he is remarried with 2 or 3 children now. I am genuinely happy for him.

So 2 weeks later came, and Rich came to visit. Turned out to be a fantastic weekend. When it ended and he left, I was up stairs crying. We had been talking daily since I met him. That was all we had. We couldn’t see each other whenever we wanted, so we did that. We knew basically everything about each other.

My Dad says that he knew when Rich left that weekend that we would get married. Though he never told me that.

10 months later we did get married.