Placement

I am really getting bad at posting. This new job is making it more difficult. Well, better get caught up!

So back to the story.

I signed my relinquishment papers at the hospital just before getting release. I didn’t tell George. When we went home, I told him I was leaving and my mom was taking me home. I needed more time with my baby. So I actually got a hotel room to have some one on one time with him. My mom dropped me off, and got me all settled. I was alone with my baby. I savored every second of it. No one to share him with, just me and him. I took pictures, and just snuggled him.

George wanted me to go see him and bring the baby. He didn’t understand that I had just had major surgery, and wasn’t about to drive out to see him. He was angry. His mother was angry, they started calling me incessantly. I left him a VM and told him about the placement and that I intended to do it that weekend.

At the advise of my counselor I turned my phone off. People that needed to get in touch with me knew where I was. I didn’t want him ruining my last few moments with my baby. I am sure people will be angry with me for not letting him have more time, but I had to do it that way. He was very volatile, and I never knew what he was going to do. I didn’t want to risk anything, my baby’s safety included.

Come Sat afternoon, I was a little lonely by myself and it seemed to be making things harder. Placement wasn’t until Sunday, so I called my Mom and she came and got me. We spend Saturday afternoon at home loving on my baby for the last time.

Sunday came. We went to placement. This placement was completely different than all the others. I had been through enough. I was still angry, and still didn’t want to go through with it. Deep down I knew I needed to do it, but that didn’t make it any easier.

I remember the actual placement. I placed him and then got a hug and had to leave. I didn’t linger. I left and lost it. I was in pieces. I felt like the remainder of my heart had just been ripped out.

I was bitter, I was angry, and I was hurt. I had lost my only chance at being a mother.

I remember driving down the road a few days later, and just staring out the window hating everyone around me. I didn’t want comfort from any of my family, friends, anyone. I wanted the darkness I felt inside to go away. I was in a very, very bad place. my heart was black. I can vividly remember the anger I felt. The darkness inside me was real. There was no love.

It took me a long time to get over that. I decided to get back to the gym. I started working out. That really seemed to help. I lost all the baby weight and then some. But I also wasn’t really eating much. I was borderline anorexic.

I slowly tried to get back out there. Be with friends, and maybe even start trying to date.

All the while, George was trying to pull all the cards he had, not knowing that I held more than he did. He told me he wanted all the baby stuff I had back. I told him I would be happy to give it back to him, but I wanted all the house stuff or payment for keeping the house stuff. It seemed to shut him up really quickly.

Remember I was still on title for his car. I decided to not be a jerk, I sent him a bill of sale, and the title signed over to him, then cancelled registration on it. Didn’t want it in my name. I was also the one that had gotten the satellite TV. So, I called them up and suspended the account to shut it off. Poor guy didn’t have TV anymore.

He called me one day telling me he needed my address so his attorney could serve me papers for illegally placing my baby. I kind of freaked out. I started to give it to him. My mom stopped me, and told me to call my councilor. I called her, she told me to under no circumstances give it to him. If his attorney couldn’t find me, then he could call me and get it. So I called him back and told him that. He wasn’t happy. I think he was just going to try to come to the house and harass me. See he had no idea where my parents lived, and they weren’t listed in the phone book. That was one of the best things that could happen to me. He couldn’t find me. All he knew was that I lived up north.

About 3 months after placement, his mother texted me and asked for pictures. I told her I would put a CD together and send it to her. The next day my councilor called me saying that someone had called the company attorney and said that a baby was illegally placed for adoption and gave the date of my adoption. They knew exactly who it was. It was George’s mother. I decided to send her a picture, as well as a letter telling her and George that I would no longer be contacting then, and I expected the same in return.

I am happy to announce that almost 9 years later, and I still haven’t heard a word from them!

Next up….Dating….

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The hospital

My hospital stay was very eventful. My mom spent most of her time with me. She wanted to support me and be with me. However, I still had to allow George and his family time to see the baby. I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers.

One such time, George’s mother was visiting at the same time my mom was there. She started going on about how there is nothing wrong with her family, and that she has great kids who are great examples and my mom was a terrible person for whatever reason. I have tried to block most of this out of my memory, and for good reason. The main thing I remember was the feeling I had. I had never in my life been so angry to the point of telling her to shut the hell up and get out. I opened my mouth to say it, she must have sensed it or something, because she ended the conversation berating my mom (even if I was angry at my mom, that is still not OK) and then shortly after left.

If you remember back a few posts I talked about a conversation I had with my best friend where she told me that no matter what, when George brought up getting back together (and once the baby was here he would) I cannot get back together with him. At the time, that was wishful thinking for me. I would give anything for him to want to get back together with me.

The time finally came. It was about 2:00 in the morning. George had come to the hospital to see the baby. The nurse happened to come in to take my vitals and mentioned that he was there. I told her he could come in if he wanted to. He chose to come in for a few minutes. It was there that he said he wanted to try to work on our relationship. He wanted me and the baby to come back to the apartment. He wanted it to work.

By this time, I could hardly stand the sight of his face, let alone entertain getting back together. I didn’t want to be a total jerk. I told him I would have to think about it. I wasn’t sure it was going to work between us.

I never thought this day would happen. I never believed that he would actually want to get back together with me. I am thankful it took as long as it did for him to consider that, and bring it up to me. Had it happened sooner, I would have jumped at the chance and been miserable all over again. I would have had a repeat of the first time we moved in together. It wouldn’t have lasted longer than a week.

It was getting close to going home. My case worker came to my room so we could sign relinquishment papers. I got everything all signed and she went on her way. By this time I was numb to the process. I had been through it twice before. I had shut out my emotions. I wasn’t allowing anyone near me, and I wasn’t allowing anything to come out.

My discharge day came. I wasn’t ready to place yet. I needed more time with my baby. So I got a hotel room for the weekend to have some one on one time with him.

He is here

George’s family was over the moon excited for this baby to come. His mother wanted to throw me a baby shower. I was pretty excited about it (when it first came up, I was planning on keeping him). I was working to put a list of people to invite. It was difficult. I went to my mom and asked her about it. She gave me the most devastating news I had ever heard come from her mouth. She told me she wouldn’t attend. She didn’t agree with it, and didn’t think we should be celebrating. I was heartbroken. Felt betrayed. I thought for sure my mom would at least support me, and be there for me. I knew our relationship was strained, but I didn’t know it had gotten this bad.

I couldn’t stand to even look at her anymore. I wanted nothing to do with my family. My grandmother was the only one I could still bare to look at and be around, and even she was vocal about her opinion (which wasn’t in line with mine).

When I told my mom I wasn’t keeping him, it made it even worse. It felt like it was a contest and she had won. I felt she was doing a dance on the other end of the phone because I was placing him. Because she didn’t want him, and didn’t want anything to do with him, and now she wouldn’t have to “deal” with it anymore.

Shortly after I changed my mind, I told Georges mother I wasn’t going to have a baby shower. I appreciated the thought, but didn’t want to have one. She was very angry with me. She didn’t understand why I didn’t want one. But after having a fit, agreed to let it go.

After telling my parents my new plan, my mom seemed to turn around. She was nice to me, wanted to be around me and wanted to be there for me. I however, was still angry with her and wanted nothing to do with her.

I told her that I needed to let George be in the hospital room with me while I gave birth. I had to have a C-Section due to my previous deliveries). I didn’t want George to freak out if I didn’t allow him in there. I was trying to appease him. I did however give her a bracelet so she could get into the nursery to see him. She was there for the other births, and she wasn’t very happy about me choosing George over her.

The day was here, he was here. I had him with no pain meds aside from the epidural. I am allergic to morphine so the Dr. opted to not give me anything. Man that sucked! I was dry heaving the entire time, and couldn’t make it stop. It was very draining. I was exhausted.

He was beautiful, perfect, everything I had hoped for. Except he wasn’t mine.

*****

P.S. You should read the comment left by my Dad for his view.

The turning point

Vacations with no connection to the world are fantastic! No cell phones, no internet, no TV. It was great. Coming back to work after a week away was not so great. Sorry for the long delay. Lets get back to the story.

*****

 

Derek and Brooke knew about this pregnancy. They also knew about my plans to keep this baby. Brooke was not very happy about that. She didn’t understand my reasoning. It was the complete opposite from my previous decisions. She emailed me one day asking what she should tell the girls. She couldn’t continue to tell them the reasons for placement before when I choose to keep this child. She felt she was lying to them. She felt I was lying to her.

This email made me very upset. I was angry with her. She didn’t have a right to this child, this wasn’t her child, it was mine. I was his mother. I was giving him life. I have every right to mother him. She doesn’t. She doesn’t understand what I go through during a placement, she didn’t know the heartbreak I felt. She only knew the joy she felt at getting a child.

As you can tell I was angry. But then again, I was angry at everyone.

Throughout this entire pregnancy I was meeting regularly with Sundee. I was talking with her, and getting council from her. She always supported my decisions. She was on my side when no one else was. I trusted her for that. I valued her opinion above all else. She was my advocate.

One evening at work (why does this crap always come up at work) I was talking to her, and she let me in on her true feelings. Sadly they weren’t what I thought they were. She knew I was making the wrong decision. She knew I knew better. She was disappointed in me. She was heartbroken for me. Our conversation went on for quite some time. Hearing what she told me, hearing her complete honesty was the hardest thing I have ever heard in my life. I trusted her, I thought she was on my side.

She was on my side, just in a different way. She was trying to show me the reasons I placed before. She wanted me to see how my life would be in the future. She didn’t want me to be in my little perfect unrealistic bubble. So she popped it.

After we finished our conversation I texted my Mom. I told her I was not keeping the baby. She texted me back and said she hoped I was at peace with the decision. I told her I wasn’t.

I wasn’t at peace. I was furious. I felt no one wanted this child but me. I hated everyone around me. I felt I was being pushed into something I didn’t want to nor could do. I felt I didn’t have a choice. I felt if I kept him no one would love him but me. I just wanted the support of my family. I wanted them to be excited for this grandson/nephew. But no one was. Realizing that was not an easy task. But it had to be done. It wasn’t they weren’t excited for the birth, they weren’t excited about the circumstances.

This conversation happened 2 weeks before I was due. I wasn’t ready to tell Brooke and Derek. I was still very much angry with them. I also wasn’t about to tell George. I didn’t want him to go and do something stupid.

I let Brook and Derek know of my plans less than a week before he was scheduled to be born. Of course they were over the moon excited. I was still angry with them, but wouldn’t place with anyone else. I loved them, and they were the parents to my other children. I wanted them to be together.

I was still struggling to gain weight. All the stress and my entire world imploding made it nearly impossible. I managed to gain a few pounds and was at a total weight gain of 20 lbs when I was admitted into the hospital to have the baby.

Moving In

It was time. Our apartment was ready for us. I got all my stuff out of storage, and packed up what was not in storage. George and some of our friends helped us move. I was over the moon excited. This was it. We were going to be happy. We were going to be a family. Everything was going to be perfect!

After we got everything into the house, I started to unpack and put everything away. George was working nights, so was gone most nights until around midnight. So I had a lot of time on my own. I went shopping for the house, but dishes, bathroom essentials, silverware. You name it, what we didn’t already have I went out and purchased. I was going to make this the best little home and family ever!

We didn’t have a TV, and George wanted the biggest best TV he could get. Though he couldn’t finance one because he had terrible credit (jail and not paying bills will do that to you). Me being the good girlfriend I was let him use my credit to purchase it. (I know super smart right). I now have a TV of his in my name, a car of his in my name and the cable, and utilities are in my name.

The first night in our apartment George didn’t come home. The next morning I got up, got ready for work and off I went. Not knowing what was going on with George. We talked for a bit, he told me he was really busy at work and ended up just staying there. OK, that seemed odd to me, but whatever. (Who spends the night at work anyway)

After I got off work I saw George for just a few minutes before he went to work for the evening. We exchanged pleasantries and off he went.  I continued to move our stuff in, put everything away and clean the apartment.

That night I was laying in bed waiting for George to come home. Wondering if he would, playing every scenario of what he could be doing in my head. He said he would be home. Then, the flutter came. I felt it. You know the flutter. That first movement of the child in your belly. The first signs that there really is a human in your stomach. A time when most women are overjoyed, I was in tears. I wanted George to experience that with me. All I could do was text him and tell him I felt the baby move. His response reassured me a little. He told me that I had no idea how happy that made him. Maybe I was overreacting, maybe he really was busy the night before and ended up staying there.

The next morning I woke up and George was nowhere to be found. When I asked him, he again had the same excuse. He was busy at work and stayed there.

Now, I was starting to get really angry. What was going on. Was he hiding something, did he not want to be near me? Did he not want to move in with me? Why the Hell would he allow us to actually move into the apartment if he didn’t want to move in with me?

This went on for one more night. I was devastated. I called my parents. I had been trying to put on the face that everything was alright. I think they knew better. They got me a hotel room for the night, and told me the best thing to do would be to move out of our apartment. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that, so we stuck with the hotel for the night.

I cried myself to sleep in that hotel room all by myself that night.

The next morning I realize it was time. Moving in with George was a terrible idea. When I confronted him, he told me he never wanted to move in with me (did I mention this was ALL his idea). I was furious, why would he do this if he didn’t want to move in? I told him I was moving out. Our time in the apartment lasted exactly 3 days and he wasn’t there for any of it.

My mom came and helped me pack my stuff. I packed my clothes and a few boxes, I couldn’t dare take any of the stuff I put in the apartment because I didn’t want to leave George with nothing. My mom convinced me to take a few things. I did. Even after all George had already done, I didn’t want to leave him high and dry. I still cared for him, he was the father of my unborn child.

We loaded my moms car with what we could. I told George I would be back for my bed later. I couldn’t take it right now. My mom managed to not say anything remotely close to how she was feeling to George, though I know on the inside she was seething mad at him. Their only interactions were fairly pleasant. I think at this point, my mom didn’t want to rock the boat.

He was fine with all of this. Me on the other hand was crying myself to sleep on a nightly basis.

The signs

Why is it that when you are in an unhealthy relationship everyone can see it but you. You defend the relationship with all you have. “he was just angry”, “he didn’t mean it”, “I deserved it”, “he isn’t really that bad”, “he can be nice”, and the countless other excuses.

My relationship (if you can even call it that) with George was short. We hung out a few times. Went on dates, that I typically paid for and drove to because he was short on cash and had his drivers license suspended (Dang DUI’s). We hung out at his mother’s house where he lived, because he had just gotten out of jail and couldn’t get a job or an apartment. You know all the normal stuff we women tend to do in bad relationships. It seemed to be a give and take “relationship”. I gave and he took.

One night we were at his mother’s home and he got mad at me for something completely stupid. I can’t remember what the subject matter was only that he was mad because I didn’t have an opinion on it. I was indifferent. He stormed off and slept on the couch, that should have been my queue to leave. Even with all the counseling I had received and all the red flags I refused to see, I stayed. The next morning he didn’t say 2 words to me. I took him to work, which was my normal routine, then went home, got ready and went to work.

I was upset. I was afraid he was done with me. I was afraid I had done something to drive him away. I figured he had gotten sick of me and wanted nothing more to do with me. I swore to myself I wouldn’t call him. If he really cared about me, he would call.

He didn’t call…

A couple weeks later I arrived to work early. I decided to stop at Target and get a pregnancy test and take it before work (it seemed like a long time since my last period, I was curious how long it had been. Great way to tell, get a pregnancy test). In hindsight that was a terrible idea. I took it, and wouldn’t you know, two pink lines. I was hysterical. I told my boss, I had to go. He didn’t argue, I couldn’t control my breathing let alone my tears.

I called my friend and roommate, Nicole. Told her what happened, and went to her work. Together we researched abortion clinics, costs and everything else associated with the appointment. There was no way in Hell I could go through another adoption. I wasn’t about to tell my parents. I just wanted this whole thing to go away.

After a few phone calls the appointment was set. We had secured 1/2 of the cost from a friend. Now I needed to tell George. I called him. He didn’t answer. When he called me back and I told him I was pregnant. I also told him my plan. He said it was a good idea and would pay the other 1/2. He didn’t want to deal with a pregnancy just as much as I didn’t want to deal with one.

That was that. I was going to erase my mistake and never really face the consequences for my actions.

Gratitude

First, Sandra;

In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. – John 14: 2-3

With some hesitation I proceed with this tribute, realizing that to do so is to compromise her very essence (how dare I?!). The essence of Sandra is humility…humility and love. And, my compromise of her essence, overcome by her own resilience. As I said earlier, it was no coincidence that brought Candice together with Sandra, the Lord knew who could reach her. They share a relationship that will last forever and we will forever be grateful to her, and to the Lord, for introducing her into our lives.

 

Secondly, Grandma, and, I am proud to say, my Mother, Ruth;

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. – Galatians 5: 22-23

How unlikely that a bitter, pregnant, twenty year old girl, willingly, and yet, begrudgingly moved to live with her grandma, would develop a bond, a love, and an appreciation for her grandmother beyond any, she, at that time knew. Her grandma, exuding naturally, the Christ like qualities with which she was so abundantly blessed, and which she nurtured throughout her life, Candice could do nothing but reciprocate. But, knowing Candice, the real Candice, and knowing grandma, it should not be considered unlikely at all that this relationship would blossom. One of her very young, great grand children calls her “grandma great”, truer words were never spoken.

 

Third, and most importantly, our Savior, Jesus Christ;

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. – John 3: 16

 

What more can I add to that which has already been said of him by so many others, but to express for myself, now publicly, my gratitude for his sacrifice, and, through our trials, for my growing realization of the significance of his sacrifice. For through this, and through the gifts of the spirit, comes my developing, yet still very incomplete, understanding of the great paradox to which I referred in the preface to this book.

And the light which shineth, which giveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings; – D&C 88: 11